Just like how those birds wake up every morning to go out flying and search for worms, it has been like a routine for me to wake up and think about my life, again and again.
Hi, it's been a long time right? I'm having a mental breakdown lately so I guess I'll spit it all out here.
Well, the results came out on 16/3 and it doesn't disappoint me, but towards my parents, it did. I was being so gratefull and full of myself, not until I saw those faces my parents make when I handed them the results. Honestly, as much as they think I'm disappointing them, I was really hurt. Day by day has past and I told myself to ignore those feelings and focus on future - to which it didn't get better either.
I got a call for UiTM's Foundation in TESL's interview. Yeah, I still couldn't forget how I was able to smile all day because of that. But to shorten the story, I didn't pass the interview, neither that I get into other universities. And those was one of the moment I asked myself, "Cah, are you sure you are doing what you love?", and to the which the answer is NO.
Yes I keep telling myself since the beginning of the year that I'll pursue TESL because English is the only subject I'm mastering. But no, guys. I was able to do it, but I don't love it, neither I'm passionate about it. That's the only time I finally thought that this world is unfair.
Why couldn't we do what we love?
Why should we have to gain other's permission to be happy?
I tried really hard not to cry, and it's been such a long time since I last cry. But talking about dream, I couldn't do anything but cry over it.
And after those cry, I realized, I should at least not give up on my dream and you know what? The moment I touch my brush and paint again, - which I haven't touch for more than a year - it does really make me happy. It's a feeling that I couldn't describe but it does make me so happy. That's when I remember how happy I am back then just to get into another stage in a competition. That was the moment I was most proud of myself and most happy.
I guess what Aera said in Fight for My Way was true, "I am happy. I'm really happy. I guess everyone should do what they love"
So why? Tell me why.