Thursday, 9 March 2017

Ti Amo

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

"La verita ha una buona facciama cattivi abiti"
"Truth has a good face but bad clothes"

This is a special post dedicated to the one I have been crushing over for years ever since 9 years old. It's sound cheesy but I'm not trying to be cheesy right now, I'm trying to put an end to it - which I wish I could. And again, it's my late night thoughts.

You know how and why I fall for him? Even I'm just a mere innocent 9 years old? It's all start when my family fall apart when I'm 8. He was there when I cried at the edge of the school's stair. He did asked why, I didn't tell, yet he comforted me like really a true friend. He may not remember but it's been the most precious thing I ever felt.

Then at 9, we were in the same class where he sat beside me. He was almost always there for me when I was ignored by the girls because well I'm so introvert back then. Every time there's a partner activities, he would always chose me. And that's when I chose to love him - more than a friend should.

But as we grew up, things changed really easy. I remember applying for the same school as him  - but still different since he was in only boys school while I'm in girls - because I want to stay by his side. And I still remember the moment we stopped contact each other which was when we were 14.

At 16, I remember arguing with myself at 30 Sept 2015, "What if I actually love you like a friend? But because you are a boy so I mistaken it as a love?" So I thought I have been lying to myself all this time which mean I have never actually fall in love with anyone and that's when I chose to stopped liking him and move on - which thought I really did. 

But till this moment right now, he was the only one that could make my heart beat like crazy every time we pass across each other and I swear, I never ever felt that way towards any boys even when I'm fangirling over them because they're handsome, cool and so on. And that's when I thought I actually lied to myself at that 30 Sept.

And I always have this thoughts

"What if we actually like each other?"
"What if someday we pass across each other again without knowing our true feelings?"
"What if I still want him in my life even after years?"

You know what? Everytime I'm thinking about him, I always say to myself, "Dont, Cah. Don't. You will get hurt" and I'll asked Allah to protect whatever I feel for him because it's really driving me crazy.

I'm writing this because we will start a new life in college soon (SPM's result will be announced soon at 16 March, so pray the best for me guys). We will be apart even more and I don't want to continue putting hopes on him. I have a life to survive and goals to achieve.

So this time, I chose to be his supporter. I don't care what I'm feeling towards him but from now on, each time I know he is doing something, I want to support him anonymously. Because he was there when I'm down back then, so why not I just do the same? It may hurt a lot because he won't know but it's better that way.

End of my love story. It's 3 so bye.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.