Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Vivacious

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.



Finally, I got a reason to update again.

I want to update this just in case there is anyone who about to lose hope like I was.

You know what? 2017 only has 2 months left and believe me when I said this year is so tough - it WAS so tough.

The first half was full of dream, while the second half was like living in a hell of hopes. What do I mean by that?

Well, I was one of 2016 SPM candidates. So basically I was supposed to be in college already this year. But that's not it.

(Manglish ahead)

Permohonan SA di UPU untuk sesi 1 tak berjaya. Then SA buat rayuan and tak berjaya jugak. So SA teruskan dgn part time job SA. First SA memang dah lose hope dah and fikir, "Aku mintak je lah tahun depan punya pulak. Lambat pun tak apa la".

Actually permohonan universiti ni ada sesi 2 (second/third intake) punya which masuk bulan november/disember tapi tak semua universiti ada (UiTM, UIA, UPSI, Poli, etc) and permohonan kena buat online kat laman web universiti tu terus, bukan melalui UPU dah. Tarikh bukak permohonan tu lain2 tarikh so korang kena alert and rajin search hari2 tarikh dia. It's around July/August/Sept. Tapi korang kena sacrifice duit sikit la kalau nak mintak banyak2 universiti because No PIN semua kena beli asing. For me, SA just mohon UiTM ja. Sebab malas nak berjudi (read: pertaruhkan duit) banyak2.

Tipu lah kalau SA kata SA tak jealous tengok kawan2 SA semua dah sambung belajar and dah dapat kawan baru apa semua while I'm still mereput kat rumah.

Yes, memang mula2 SA kata SA malas nak mohon sesi 2 punya ni sebab SA fikir nak sambung kerja ja and kumpul duit untuk study tahun depan. But parents SA force jugak suruh mohon. So I did. And alhamdulillah, I got it this time.

If you read my prev post, you would know how much I want to pursue in TESL ever since form 5 because that's the only option I ever have. I really wanna do Arts but unfortunately my parents are not that please with it. I'm not a good student but I have good grades in language subjects (malay, english, arabic). I also learn mandarin and korean by myself. So that's why SA terfikir nak sambung TESL and jadi translator or subtitlist.

But then sekarang, even it was second intake, I got to do want I really want - I got to pursue Fine Arts in UiTM. Well my parents cant argue since it's better getting an offer than not at all. So now diorang redho je SA study apa.

And that's how I thought, Allah nak tunjuk something sebenarnya kat SA. Allah nak SA tanya diri SA balik, "betul ke aku nak ambik TESL ni?", "mana pergi semua passion kau dekat arts ever since 11 dulu tu?". And yeah. I believe He really did.

If I could do what I want, so are you.

So never lose faith in Him. Just don't.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Sunday, 3 September 2017

Karma

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


I guess karma really does its job.

I may sounds cruel but believe me, I have forgive her all along and I already forget the past.

But yes, Allah is fair after all, kid.

What you give, you get back.

Even if she did me like that, I have never wish something bad for her, because as long as she apologize, know her wrong and didn't repeat it, I'm cool. Because man, we are friends after all and I have always believe that everyone deserve another chances.

Sorry for saying this.

But since it did happened, I hope she know, how betrayed, how disappointed, how misserable and how I felt back then.

Again, sorry.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Thursday, 31 August 2017

Love Yourself

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.



Thanks to my friends, I'm back again after two days.

So, we were just talking about how to prevent and control ourself from doing a lot of regretting things. And one of my friends said this,
"I always control myself by thinking, I hope when I do this, my future husband will do the same thing. If we take care of ourself, of course we wouldn't want someone else's ex as our husband, right?"
And come to think of it, I'd used to always think like that whenever I thought about crushing or fangirling over random boys. Like "I want my husband to be my first ever in everything". But girl, in your dream.

It's hard to find the loyal one this days - I mean the innocent, never been in relationship type of guy. There are, but not even 30% left, I guess?

So the true ways of controlling yourself is not thinking about your future man or anyone else. Instead, do it for yourself.

Make yourself pretty. Don't let any random guys have it for fun. Don't let them broke you so easily. Protect yourself, girl.

Do it so that you can love yourself.
Do it so that you are satisfied with yourself.
Do it so that you won't hate yourself.
Do it so that you won't care if anybody downgrade yourself.

Not to melt the hearts of millions boys.
Not to make other jealous of you.
Not to get those fake attentions from fake people.
Not to downgrade somebody else.

Just simply make yourself happy with your own self.

Because whatever happens, you are you, and you are yours.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Ti Amo II

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


You know what's the scariest part of falling in love with your own best friend?
It's not about being rejected

But

The fact that both of you won't be the same as before
The fact that you can't even reach him anymore
The fact that he will neglect you more
The fact that he won't even consider you as a friend anymore 

So what's the point of a confession when the one we are falling didn't feel the same?




Back then,

What if I didn't change my seat?
What if you didn't came when I cried?
What if we never get close?
What if I didn't help my friend that was also in love with you?
What if we didn't sit next to each other for second time?

Would everything be the same?

Would I even like you in the first place?

We already turn from best friend to just friend. And now even just childhood friend. If I take the wrong step, just one wrong step, we might turn into strangers in seconds. And of course I'm not ready for that.

But it's not easy to bear either. Just like you can't force someone to love you, you can't force someone to unlove you.

Even if I've like you for 10 years, even 20 years or 100 years, the period won't matter at all.

Because hey,

What's the point of running so fast when you don't have a good start?

What's the point of dreaming to be the heroin when you didn't take part in the audition?








If I don't like you in the first place, how beautiful my life could be?


Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Am I Wrong?

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.



Just like how those birds wake up every morning to go out flying and search for worms, it has been like a routine for me to wake up and think about my life, again and again.

Hi, it's been a long time right? I'm having a mental breakdown lately so I guess I'll spit it all out here.

Well, the results came out on 16/3 and it doesn't disappoint me, but towards my parents, it did. I was being so gratefull and full of myself, not until I saw those faces my parents make when I handed them the results. Honestly, as much as they think I'm disappointing them, I was really hurt. Day by day has past and I told myself to ignore those feelings and focus on future - to which it didn't get better either.

I got a call for UiTM's Foundation in TESL's interview. Yeah, I still couldn't forget how I was able to smile all day because of that. But to shorten the story, I didn't pass the interview, neither that I get into other universities. And those was one of the moment I asked myself, "Cah, are you sure you are doing what you love?", and to the which the answer is NO.

Yes I keep telling myself since the beginning of the year that I'll pursue TESL because English is the only subject I'm mastering. But no, guys. I was able to do it, but I don't love it, neither I'm passionate about it. That's the only time I finally thought that this world is unfair.

Why couldn't we do what we love?

Why should we have to gain other's permission to be happy?

Why?

I tried really hard not to cry, and it's been such a long time since I last cry. But talking about dream, I couldn't do anything but cry over it.

And after those cry, I realized, I should at least not give up on my dream and you know what? The moment I touch my brush and paint again, - which I haven't touch for more than a year - it does really make me happy. It's a feeling that I couldn't describe but it does make me so happy. That's when I remember how happy I am back then just to get into another stage in a competition. That was the moment I was most proud of myself and most happy.

I guess what Aera said in Fight for My Way was true, "I am happy. I'm really happy. I guess everyone should do what they love"

So why? Tell me why.

Wassamualaikum w.b.t.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Ti Amo

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

"La verita ha una buona facciama cattivi abiti"
"Truth has a good face but bad clothes"


This is a special post dedicated to the one I have been crushing over for years ever since 9 years old. It's sound cheesy but I'm not trying to be cheesy right now, I'm trying to put an end to it - which I wish I could. And again, it's my late night thoughts.

You know how and why I fall for him? Even I'm just a mere innocent 9 years old? It's all start when my family fall apart when I'm 8. He was there when I cried at the edge of the school's stair. He did asked why, I didn't tell, yet he comforted me like really a true friend. He may not remember but it's been the most precious thing I ever felt.

Then at 9, we were in the same class where he sat beside me. He was almost always there for me when I was ignored by the girls because well I'm so introvert back then. Every time there's a partner activities, he would always chose me. And that's when I chose to love him - more than a friend should.

But as we grew up, things changed really easy. I remember applying for the same school as him  - but still different since he was in only boys school while I'm in girls - because I want to stay by his side. And I still remember the moment we stopped contact each other which was when we were 14.

At 16, I remember arguing with myself at 30 Sept 2015, "What if I actually love you like a friend? But because you are a boy so I mistaken it as a love?" So I thought I have been lying to myself all this time which mean I have never actually fall in love with anyone and that's when I chose to stopped liking him and move on - which thought I really did. 

But till this moment right now, he was the only one that could make my heart beat like crazy every time we pass across each other and I swear, I never ever felt that way towards any boys even when I'm fangirling over them because they're handsome, cool and so on. And that's when I thought I actually lied to myself at that 30 Sept.

And I always have this thoughts

"What if we actually like each other?"
"What if someday we pass across each other again without knowing our true feelings?"
"What if I still want him in my life even after years?"

You know what? Everytime I'm thinking about him, I always say to myself, "Dont, Cah. Don't. You will get hurt" and I'll asked Allah to protect whatever I feel for him because it's really driving me crazy.

I'm writing this because we will start a new life in college soon (SPM's result will be announced soon at 16 March, so pray the best for me guys). We will be apart even more and I don't want to continue putting hopes on him. I have a life to survive and goals to achieve.

So this time, I chose to be his supporter. I don't care what I'm feeling towards him but from now on, each time I know he is doing something, I want to support him anonymously. Because he was there when I'm down back then, so why not I just do the same? It may hurt a lot because he won't know but it's better that way.


End of my love story. It's 3 so bye.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

4 AM

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

The blogger post time may say other because yes my blogger is having some problem with time zone but you know what? It's actually 4 in the morning right now. And for sure, this gonna be my 4 AM thoughts.




A day before, I was rewatching Splash Splash Love, which stars a korean singer actor, BEAST's Yoon Doojoon, and an actress that I barely know, well i guess she's new. 

When I first watching it, it was before last year's SPM. That movie gave me such inspirations about being useful.

The girl thought SAT, a college entrance exam (quite the same as SPM in Malaysia), was everything because everyone keep telling her to do good while she actually didn't study well, always sleep in class and don't have any interest in studies. She's good at recognizing people voices and her mom keep telling her it's useless to have that ability likes it's not going to help her get into any college. 

On the SAT day, she wished she can disappear and rest from all those sorts of things. And well because it's a fiction storyline, she suddenly enter the world that we all have never been before. It was in Joseon Dinasty when King Sejong ruled the country. The king character was played by Doojoon.

The girl didn't want to be killed so she keep telling him that she's from the future and he can ask her anything about arithmetic and mathematics, while she actually not doing good in studies at all. So the king ask her to teach him everything she knows about it. Struggling to live, she obeyed the king.

As time pass, everyone asked the king to kill her because she came from nowhere they know and you know what, the king keep telling everyone that she's useful to him.

Besides, there's a scene when she almost got killed, but the assassin actually stabbed her books in her backpack. With the ability of recognizing people's voices and sounds, she could help the king caught the culprit. 

I was as the same as the girl in the story. I slept in class everyday and it's hard to see me awake especially in History class. I was lazy, have a bad memories and didn't even do good in studies. But I love learning various languages. 

Yesterday was actually the day I got a job. The owner of the shop, which is Chinese, asked me if I could speak Chinese and I just tell her I only know the basics because I just start learning it after SPM. And she tell me that she's glad because it'll give her a lot of advantage to her business. 

And that's when the movie's scene start replaying in my mind.

Yes, I thought I was useless. I'm lazy, I didn't even know how to do house chores well and the only thing I did were eating and sleeping. But I never knew that because of me, someone is doing better. 

In case you still didn't get it, what I'm trying to tell you is, everyone is useful. There's no such thing about being useless to the world. We are all a worth it and believe me, it's worth every fight. For each thing you are facing right now, be patient and bear with it. As time pass by, you will realize how big you have been growing without noticing. Some may do the best in something but worst in something else. You, the one who are reading this, yes you too, you have a potential to change the world even in a little matter. So, don't give up in what you are doing right now. Keep doing it and tell yourself that you are worth it and you can do this. And even if you think you don't have anything to change the world, remember this - when you were born, your parents were the happiest person in this world. Although you didn't change the WHOLE world, you actually changed THEIR world. So at least, have courage to live and make them your purpose.

Okay it's almost 5 so I'm gonna take a bath and get ready for Subuh prayer later. Goodbye.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

TWO ZERO ONE SEVEN

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

"Just as it is not a sin to be ill, it is not a sin too be young and weak" - Ahro (Hwarang)

Page 1 of 365

At last ! 2016 has come to its end. Welcome 2017!!!

So here I am, with new look and new link. It's simpler than all my previous skin and easy to use. If you are wondering why those menu tab above end up at the same page, well basically because I haven't finish editing yet and yes because SA is too lazy to do everything. It may look simple but the editing were like crazy. I want to make it to be few pages but in one place (I hope you get what I'm trying to say) but I couldn't find how. But thanks anyway to wanaseoby for creating and giving permission to use this. I personally like her works very much. I have been reading her and atiqahjaidin's blog all this time for such tutorial and editing. Okay back to the topic.

Actually I don't feel anything about feeling excited for new year or sad for leaving 2016.

But you know what, 2016 is really a tough year for everyone. It's a year where a lots of people come and go. I don't really have things to say about this but I want to thanks 2016 for a lots of things.

Thanks for teaching me the meaning of real friendship.
Thanks for teaching me how to walk alone and trust myself.
Thanks for giving me a chance to change everything before it's too late.
Thanks for every chance given that allow me to spread my wings even bigger.

So, like usual, every year I'll post this 'two zero one ....' thing and list my wishes for the upcoming year. Even I know I am not able to achieve some of my goals that I make at the beginning of every year. But whatever. I'll never stop dreaming unless I die. Well of course it's dreaming with efforts.
  • Buy a new phone with my own money that I got from my part time job
  • Get motorcycle license
  • Be able to get into any university in a course that I love
  • Be able to collect money for me to use it during furthering studies
  • Be able to own a guitar
  • Learn Chinese language and chinese/korean calligraphy
  • Be more independent and matured
  • Just simply wanna be happy

Hahahahaha it's fewer than previous year right? I used to dream a lot of things but that's life. As we get older, we realize many things just won't happen unless it's a miracle. So let's just focus on a simple thing we believe our self could do it. So here some precious BTS's wishes for you.







poor min yoongi :'( i hope he will get better sooner.


Like I've stated in my previous post, I would like to share my plan for this whole 6 months of waiting. Okay actually SPM result will be announced in March but it will take 'at least' 2 or three month for the university/college entrance.
  1. Get my motorcycle license.
  2. Find a full time job.
  3. If I have free times, I want to go to Chinese language class. IF I have.
  4. If not I'll just probably studying languages at home.

That's all. I really don't have anything to do, guys. I would literally stay in bed whole day and staring at my phone and laptop all the time if I don't.

Till I have some free time to update again, BYE! Have a happy new year everyone!

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.